Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Kids, don't try this at home

I'm hesitant to share this, but honestly can't help it. For my class on teaching writing, we've been asked to research an unfamiliar online genre and then give duplicating it a go.

My genre: Fantasy fan fiction (don't ask).

My duplication: Twilight....I know, I know. But just keep reading and don't disown me yet.

Here goes nothing.

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Chapter one: Edward's Discovery

“I’ve been miserable all day without you.” sulked Bella.

“”I’m so sorry,” crooned Edward, as his massive, masculine figure glided through the kitchen and swept Bella up into a princess hug. He kissed her cheek tenderly and said, “Remember Bella, I love you and think about you no matter where I am.”
“I do too. I just wish you were here more often. It hasn’t been easy to be away from you for eight hours every day. I miss you so much, that by lunch time I’m nearly dying. And I love you so much sometimes I feel I may burst out of this body and soar into the wide open sky.”
Working for the CIA to stop the Volturi had been the perfect job offer for Edward. And now that he and Bella had a child and a home to look after, Edward knew that he had to stop flying around the woods looking for trouble and settle down into a real job. He felt that this job at least offered security and the consistency of a 9-5 routine. Secretly, he hoped that one day he could join the field team in the CIA and chase the Volturi down on secret missions. But, for now, he was content working at his desk job, providing top secret information when the agents needed it and spending the rest of his time filing paperwork, checking facebook, and beating his co-workers at online Sudoku. It wasn’t a bad deal, really.
Plus, he thought, it gives Bella the semblance of a normal human life, and she really deserves that. Edward had once thought that he loved Bella more than any other creature on the earth could love someone, but his capacity for love for her had exploded when she willingly chose to spend an eternity with him as a cold, rock hard, sparkling, nocturnal, blood-hungry vampire. He had wanted to make up for it and give her a life that was as normal as possible.
That was when he found his desk job at the local CIA office in town and settled his new family down in the suburbs of Forks, Washington. It was a quiet neighborhood full of young, successful, middle-class families. For their anniversary, Edward had bought Bella every household appliance he could imagine to keep a housewife happy. She was so precious to him; he didn’t want her to go without anything. He felt so deeply for her, he would live and die and work and sweat for her until the stars fell out of the sky. This occupation helped him accomplish this, but it also gave him something amazing that he’d never felt before: confidence. For the first time in his very lengthy existence, he really felt good about himself. He felt like he was accomplishing great things, that finally he was needed in the world—in real life, as opposed to the dark hours and cold corners of the forest where vampire and werewolf clash and collide. Edward was happy, and he was starting to feel his teenage angst and insecurities melt away.
“So, my love, what have you been up to today?” posed Edward, gracefully sliding into a sleek black leather chair in the living room. Bella marveled and sighed over the way the black of the chair perfectly complimented his beautiful bronze hair and emphasized the pristine whiteness of his flawless pale skin.
“I’ve been sitting here at home all day, dreaming of you,” Bella cooed in a syrupy sweet voice. “You know that I only long to be with you. Your company is the only thing in the world that brings me happiness!”
Edward wanted to say the same thing in return, but something stopped him.
Bella, expecting a validating response but not receiving one, inquired insecurely, “Don’t you feel the same?”
“Well, you see Bella, it’s not that you don’t make me happy, or that I don’t enjoy spending time with you. It’s just . . . “
“Just what?!? Oh, why don’t you just go on and say it? You don’t love me anymore? You’ve found someone else? I’m not vampy enough for you?!?”
Enraged, Bella began to pace around the heart shaped perimeter of the living room rug, muttering to herself regrets about becoming a vampire, and odd bits about making the wrong choice and the earthy love that only werewolves were capable of. Edward, with immaculate swiftness, stood up from the cold black chair and rushed to Bella’s side. He placed his perfectly sculpted finger to her full, red lips to calm and quiet her. Bella swooned at the touch of his finger on her mouth; it felt as though a marbled finger from the gods had dammed up her rage.
“Bella, I meant to say that I love you and, yes, you make me happy, but I’m starting to discover that other things in life are making me happy too. That they’re giving me a different kind of happiness that’s pretty amazing.”
Bella’s face fell, and she stared down at her once clumsy toes.
Edward pulled her into a firm embrace and sighed, “Bella, I think it’s high time you started finding other things in your life that bring you happiness as well.”
“I’m confused,” stammered Bella. “What else is there to live for but you?”
“Well,” replied Edward, trying to convey in his voice the deep well of tenderness he felt for Bella in his heart, “what about picking up some hobbies? Or, going to college or pursuing a career?”
“But who will take care of little Renesmee?”
“Bella, our daughter has grown at an incredible rate. Sometimes I think you forget that she is a vampchild. Even though she’s only six months old, she’s already moved out into a studio apartment downtown. Actually, I think she’s moved in with . . . “
Edward stopped himself suddenly, thinking about the consequences of mentioning Jacob, Bella’s former lover, in the middle of such a heated argument. Instead, he tenderly whispered, “I’m afraid we’re empty nesters now.”
“So, hobbies and school, huh? I’d never considered them before. All I see, and dream, and think about is you. I don’t even know where to start or what I’d want to do!”
“I know,” said Edward, still trying to be as sensitive as possible. “That seems to be the problem.”
It had dawned on Edward as he had started to feel a sense of achievement, purpose, and self-esteem from his new job that Bella had nothing which gave her that same sense of achievement. In fact, most girls Edward had been interested in before he met Bella were multi-faceted and talented—that is, before he had to ship them off to foreign countries to withstand the temptation of biting them and sucking their blood. He had just been so distracted with the challenge of Bella’s unreadable mind, and so caught up in the drama of their love-triangle relationship, that he’d never noticed the disparity before. Bella had no real personality. She had no other passions, no interests, no hobbies. He still loved her, but he was starting to see that although their love was thrilling and sensational, it was also fleeting. Certainly, he thought to himself during his quiet moments at work (in between games of online checkers and minesweeper), a deeper sort of love, happiness and fulfillment is out there. But now, how to obtain it?
“Please Bella, just give it a try.”
“I’m not sure. I’m not really good at hobbies and school.”
“Come on. Do it for me? Because you love me?”
“Oh, Edward, I’d do anything for you!” Bella exclaimed sinking into his embrace. “I’ll start surfing the net for the latest trends in local hobbies tonight! And I’ll even sign up for a few classes at Fork’s Community College.”
“I knew that you’d understand, Bella,” Edward said as he cradled her delicate face in his large, powerful hands.
“Oh, Edward, I just love you so much. Thank you for caring about me enough to be honest. Is there anything else that you’d like?”
“Yes,” he said reluctantly.
“What is it?” Bella said calmly as she fell into the deep warmth of his amber eyes.
Edward hesitated, and then said resolutely, “Marriage counseling.”
“Marriage WHAT?!?” Bella exploded, recoiling from his embrace.
“Well, you see, I’ve been doing a lot of research about normal, happy, healthy, and well balanced relationships during my spare time at the office,” Edward explained, speaking quickly--afraid of another emotional breakdown from Bella, “and It turns out that, well, our, umm….well, our relationship needs a lot of work.”

4 comments:

Meg said...

Spot on. Love it. Great writing and subtle nips right where it counts.
I could go on for hours about all that is wrong with Twilight and the mass reaction to it, but I think you pretty much covered it.

omarie said...

Love it. You are amazing.

Adrienne said...

Great work, Ev. I've never read the books, and only seen the movie with Rifftrax dubbed over the top (which is the ONLY way I'll ever see it...http://www.rifftrax.com/rifftrax/twilight click on "watch sample") but I think you nailed it.

The Recluse said...

Hahaha! That's fantastic. Satire at it's best